You’ll be able to rock the Angus three different ways, according to a special website dedicated to the burger.  The Deluxe features crunchy crinkle-cut pickles, red onion slices, lettuce, and a thicker tomato than you’re used to.  The Mushroom & Swiss has, well… just that.  This one seems to be getting most of the love from early reviewers, like Kevin Pang, Cheeseburger Bureau Chief (damn, I want that job!) for the Chicago Tribune.  Finally, the Bacon & Cheese is topped with pickles and onions, but highlights strips of bacon that Pang calls “surprisingly crisp” and “intensely smoky.”  They all feature angus beef patties weighing a third of a pound, two slices of cheese (if the pictures are to be believed), and new braided sesame seed buns.

Call me skeptical.  Maybe it’s my recent less-than-stellar introduction to their flagship Big Mac.  Maybe it’s the clown’s less-than-stellar track record with new burgers.  Anyone remember the Arch Burger?  The Big N’ Tasty?  The McD.L.T.?  Or maybe it’s the fact that these are going to sell for FOUR BUCKS a pop when the economy is in the toilet.

Some experts have already predicted that the Angus Third Pounder will not reel in new customers so much as simply sway existing McDonald’s customers away from their other burgers.  So what happens when this supposedly limited-time-only Angus burger goes away?  Do those fans just quietly go back to the inferior Big Mac and Quarter Pounder with Cheese?  Hmmm.

All of that said, I’m quite sure I’ll end up trying one, because I’m a sucker and an eternal optimist and a cheeseburger whore and just a generally weak, weak man.  I’ll let you know what I think when the Angus makes it to my neck of the woods. 

What about you guys?  Tried this one yet?  Going to?

Jeremy Martin, 23, was at a Clackamas County McDonald’s and apparently got incorrect change for his order.  Instead of speaking up or asking for a manager, Jeremy decided to call 911.  “I paid ten dollars, and these guys gave me one burger and a fry,” he informed the emergency dispatcher.

After 911 operator Andrew Michelson hurried him off the phone to attend to real emergency calls, Jeremy called back, claiming that since he was “robbed for eight dollars,” a crime had been committed.  Michelson warned him that misuse of the 911 system could result in his arrest.  Jeremy jumped at the offer of police presence. “If you’re telling me I can’t get a cop right here at 82nd and Sunnyside Road, I will sue (expletive deleted) your office right now!”

According to ABC affiliate KATU, a McDonald’s employee also called 911, reporting that three men were screaming at her and trying to start a fight.  In addition, a customer inside the restaurant notified emergency services of employees being harassed.

Unbelievably, 911 got ANOTHER call, this time apparently from one of Jeremy Martin’s burger buddies.  “Oh my God, the lady at McDonald’s has a gun pointed to my head,” the caller stated.  “Now are you gonna send a cop?”

Police did arrive this time… to arrest Jeremy Martin.  He spent a night in jail and is now awaiting a court appearance.  But he maintains that he did nothing wrong.   “For me to end up going to jail over a ten-dollar order?  That’s just ridiculous.”

No, you moron.  Calling 911 because the dork at the drive-thru mishandled your order is ridiculous. And unless the judge presiding over the case happens to be Mayor McCheese, my guess is that you’re going to end up losing a lot more than eight bucks over this little fast-food fiasco.

Here’s the video of KATU’s follow-up report and interview with Jeremy Martin.

I broke several traffic laws and did a monster U-turn to go see if I was right.  Imagine my disgust when I realized that I was not.  Upon closer inspection, this wasn’t a burger at all. This was merely a roast beef sandwich loaded up with some fancy burgeresque toppings.

Not cool.  I was really disappointed.  I drove away thinking, “Man, that sounded like it would be a great burger.”  Every time I drove past an Arby’s or saw an ad for the Roastburger, I was convinced that they were missing out on a golden opportunity for something really great.

Yesterday, I put my theory to the test.  My Arby’s was running a promo: Free Roast Beef Sandwich with Any Drink.  I took my free sandwich, my medium soda, and drove right over to Burger King (’cos we’ve established how I feel about BK), where I ordered a one-dollar cheeseburger off of the Value Menu.  Then I went home and started my little DIY Roastburger project.

My first decision was the bun.  Whose would I use?  In truth, I wanted to use Arby’s bun to more closely re-create what I thought I had seen that day in the Arby’s window.  But the cheese on the BK burger had glued itself to its bun, and I didn’t want to do any damage during extraction.  And really, once I got to looking, they were eerily similar buns anyway.  For all I know, both chains get their buns from the same supplier.  So I took the Arby’s roast beef and deposited it underneath the BK cheeseburger.  (My fantasy Roastburger had the roast beef on top, then the cheese, then the burger… turning the roast beef into a kick-ass burger topping.  But oh well.  Using a cheeseburger as a roast beef topping is probably what Arby’s what would have done anyway.)

Three words: I WAS RIGHT.  My DIY Roastburger was great.  Neither the burger nor the roast beef overpowered the other.  I got a really great blended taste of both in each bite.  Glad I didn’t get cute and do a double cheeseburger or add bacon or sauces or any other toppings.  This was a really nice change-of-pace sandwich that, for all the world, I think would sell well if it were on the Arby’s menu.  And it was certainly worth the $2.85 I paid to try it out for myself.

There you go, Arby’s.  Your next big thing.  The Roastburger The Way It Should Have Been The First Time. I know that’s a little long to slap up there on the menu, but I think it’s kind of catchy.  I know for a fact it’s damn tasty.

Grinding up some New Age Cuisine ingredient, shaping it into a patty, and sliding it between some buns doesn’t make it a burger in my book.  I don’t know what it should be called instead, but don’t try to pass it off as a close relative of my real red-meat burger.

But a different kind of red meat, you say?  I’m listening…

Ted’s Montana Grill was founded by media mogul Ted Turner in 2002.  He had bought up half of the state of Montana, and got a whole bunch of American bison (also called buffalo) along with it.  The bison was nearing extinction, and Ted set out to stop that from happening.  He teamed up with a man named George McKerrow, who practically invented the “casual-dining” category of restaurant when he launched Longhorn Steakhouse.  Together, they opened Ted’s Montana Grill, and offered bison on the menu as a way to reinvigorate the bison ranching industry.

It worked. The bison has made, according to Ted’s PR army, “A resurgence in the North American ecosystem.”  The restaurant worked, too, with over 50 Ted’s locations now in almost 20 states.  They do a little bit of everything: steaks, chicken, fish, the usual.  But their big draw is burgers, available in either beef or bison.  Ted’s claims that bison is a “nutritious lean meat rich in iron and considered a healthy alternative to other meats.  [It contains] less fat, cholesterol, and calories than beef or chicken.”

So I sat down, ready to dig in to some bison.  At first, I was overwhelmed by the choices: over 20 burger varieties, with some pretty elaborate topping combinations.  Five kinds of cheese, bacon, onions, mushrooms, jalapeños, green chiles, guacamole… they’re all represented on burgers with names like the Blue Creek, the Spikebox, the New Mexico, and the America’s Cup.  I went with the Montana: Cheddar cheese, grilled ham, onions, and BBQ sauce.

It was a beautiful burger.  The first bite was incredibly juicy, sending me diving for my napkin.  Smoky ham, a heaping helping of nicely-sauteed onions, a really sweet BBQ sauce, cheese that was melted just right, all sandwiched between a good solid kaiser roll bun.

But I regretted my choice almost immediately.  Don’t get me wrong, it was an exceptionally-tasty burger.  But what I tasted most was all the stuff loaded on top of the burger.  The bison itself didn’t make much of an impression on me, good or bad.  I suddenly wished with all my heart that I had ordered a plain cheeseburger, just to give the bison meat a real test drive.

I polished off my Montana bison burger, and enjoyed it, no question.  But I left still unsure of how I felt about bison as a beef alternative.  Honestly, I felt a little snookered.  They drew me in with the promise of this great meat, and then I got razzle-dazzled by a bunch of sexy toppings and cool burger names.  My own fault.  No one to blame but me.

At Ted’s, I got a very good burger, but I also got a valuable lesson.  If the meat is as good as Ted says bison is, maybe I didn’t need it all gussied up.  Sometimes, simpler is better. There’s no shame in ordering a plain old cheeseburger.

The next time I hit Ted’s (and there WILL be a next time), that’s exactly what I’ll do.

With those lyrics begin one of my all-time favorite commercials, the 2006 Burger King ad starring Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish.  It was 60 seconds of Willy-Wonka-Meets-Wild-Wild-West surrealism set to country music, all to promote the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, a downright tasty sandwich, for a non-burger.

If you don’t remember it (or, like me, just want to watch it and sing along), check it out here:

The ad got absolutely slaughtered by the masses (as did Darius Rucker for doing it), but I happen to love it.  It just makes me happy.  There are things that you hold onto, despite outward appearances, despite public opinion, and despite current fashions and trends because they just feel right to you, whatever the reason.

My favorite T-shirt is a grey, pit-stained Dallas Cowboys souvenir from a visit to Texas Stadium 10 years ago.  When I need a musical pick-me-up, I can always count on something from the catalogues of Billy Joel or coincidentally enough, Hootie and the Blowfish.  Can’t decide on a movie?  Put in “Die Hard” for the thousandth time.  As far as I’m concerned, those things just feel right.  They’re automatic.  They’re not flashy or sexy or cool.  They’re dependable, go-to comforts.

And that’s Burger King’s Bacon Double Cheeseburger for me.  I don’t even know if I can put my finger on exactly what makes it my favorite fast-food burger.  Maybe it’s the right meat-to-cheese ratio.  Or the bacon that doesn’t require any work to break off, but still lets you know it’s there.  Or how it’s just the right size, so it can be nestled in one hand and eaten while you drive.  Perhaps it’s the way some of the cheese invariably gets stuck to the wax paper so you can scrape it off with your fingernail and eat it like a little appetizer.  Hell, I love the smell of a BK parking lot.  It all just works.

Part of it may be pure nostalgia or blind loyalty.  The “Have It Your Way” campaign really made an impression on me, as a guy who despised most of the crap that everyone else seemed to load up on their burgers.  As I mentioned in my Top Burger Toppings countdown, I needed a stack of napkins taller than the burger itself just to prep a burger from most places for eating. 

But BK never batted an eye when I ordered, “A bacon double cheeseburger… plain.” No pimply-faced teenagers punching dozens of buttons on the cash register while muttering under their breath, no calling the manager out front to override the trigger-happy new kid at the toppings station, no shouting out, “Special Order!” which is fast-food lingo for “Everybody check out the troublemaker at my register!”

It simply showed up on the tray the way I wanted it:  Bacon. Cheese. And burger.  Times two. I was hooked instantly, and have been ever since.

It’s not the biggest, the hottest, or  the most extreme burger.  Honestly, it’s not even the best cheeseburger out there. 

But when I want to switch on the auto-pilot and default to something that I know without question will make me happy, I throw on that perfectly-formed, never-been-washed Coca-Cola baseball cap, slide on those blue jeans that are just starting to rip across the right knee, cue up Track 1 on “Cracked Rear View,” and hit the drive-thru at the nearest BK.

Like it or not, it’s become almost impossible to discuss burger greatness without discussing beef. Round or sirloin? Chuck or round? Round versus chuck? How thick should it be? When should it be salted? Oh, and yes, what should you cook it over, or in?

Then, there’s the cheese. Melted? Grilled? Low-fat? Non-fat? Salted or unsalted?

I’m sure we can sit all day debating these questions and still not come up a uniform answer til we’re old and gay.

Surprisingly, the ultimate cheeseburger is more than the answer to all those questions; it’s a package deal. Attention is given to all of the burger’s frequently undersung and unsung components. On the one hand, you have the juicy patty, freshly ground.

On the other, you have the cheese – melted cheddar, oozing with cheesy goodness.

Then, there’s the bacon, all three fat slices of it, adding a smoky dimension to your burger.

Then, there are the pickles, taken right out of the barrel (not pre-sliced or from a can).

Finally, you have the bun – soft and grill-toasted. Toss in the onions, perfectly cut into frizzy spirals, and you have a cheeseburger you will not soon forget.

Unless, of course, you have cheeseburger dresses made – 7 of them for each day of the week.

Yum

My youngest brother lives and works in Hilton Head.  He’s been a part of the local food-and-beverage scene since his high school summers, scooping ice cream in the shadow of the famous candy-cane-striped lighthouse at Harbor Town.  Now he’s the bar manager at one of the highest-profile watering holes on the island, smack underneath that same lighthouse.  So I asked him for an insider’s recommendation.

He took me to a little place called Street Meet.  It’s out of the way, in a strip mall, sort of stuck behind the local Sam’s Club.  But Griffin informed me that Street Meet is a big-time hangout for the island’s army of waiters and waitresses, bartenders and busboys.  The place was started a few years ago by one of the island’s true food-and-beverage veterans.  At every restaurant and bar he worked, the staff always wanted to go somewhere else to chill after hours, but fun places that also had good food… AND stayed open past midnight were hard to find on HHI.  So he started his own.

Street Meet boasts “American Take-Out & Tavern” food, and the menu certainly reflects that, with regional faves from all over the country.  Sandwiches with slaw and fries on top, a la Pittsburgh.  Hot dogs topped with Cincinnati-style chili sauce.  Po’Boys like you’d find in New Orleans, cheesesteaks from Philly, gyros that taste like they’re straight from Detroit’s Greektown. 

This is food from the streets, hence the name… and the theme.  Inside, you’d swear you were standing on a 1930s street corner.  There’s brickwork on the walls, and worn cobblestones underfoot.  Hey, when a restaurant’s official logo is a manhole cover, you can bet there’s real, hearty, rib-sticking food being served up inside.

I was promised some dynamite burgers, and Street Meet didn’t disappoint.  Griff got EZ’s Favorite, a crazy concoction that’s topped with cheddar cheese, bacon, Carolina BBQ sauce… and two chicken wings!

Granted, the wings have to be picked off and eaten separately from the burger.  But still, you gotta give points for originality.

I got the Lowcountry Burger, named for this marshy part of the South Carolina/Georgia coast.  It’s a thick half-pounder sitting under American cheese, sautéed onions, and three fried shrimp.  It looked gorgeous, and tasted just as nice.  I’m not sure I would have ever thought to use fried shrimp as a burger topping, but it totally worked here.  Sitting atop that double-slice blanket of cheese and a pile of beautifully-caramelized onions, the plump, delicately-battered-and-fried shrimp were the perfect capper to my week at the beach.

Street Meet certainly isn’t the biggest name on the Hilton Head Island food landscape.  It’s not flashy, it’s not trendy, and it’s not its own tourist destination.  But if you’re looking for solid street food with some unique and tasty twists, take a tip from your waiter.  Eat where he eats.

Then, I followed the angry, young musician I’d been dating at the time to Manchester, Connecticut. He went to chase inspiration; I went because he went, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, it wasn’t – he broke my heart while housechores broke my nails. But there was one bright light in my Manchester misadventures – Shady Glen Dairy Stores. That was how I stumbled into one of the most famous cheeseburger places in the annals of roadside cheeseburger dining.

After Manchester, my taste in cheeseburgers (and men) changed forever.

I’m sorry Aunt Cassey; your cheeseburgers still rock but I’ll have to bump them down a notch on my list, where it will run a close second to Bernice Reig’s sensational creation. How delicious was the Bernice special? It’s incredible, like suddenly gaining the ability to fly.

What’s amazing about the Shady Glen cheeseburger is that if you take it apart, ingredient by ingredient, it’s nothing to write home about. The cheese is delicious; but so are countless other restaurants’ cheeses. The meat is tasty; but not in a way that stays with you for long. Put them together, though, and what’s when the Shady Glen magic happens.

Spectacular, that’s the only word I will associate with their cheeseburger. On top is soft cheese while everywhere else, there is textured cheese – in some part of your burger, the cheese is crisp; in others, it’s chewy.

Is it good enough to plan a trip for? Absolutely! But I must warn you, it’s best enjoyed without a young, angry, faithless pothead in tow. 

That’s what I did in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, looking for the best cheeseburger in town.  One name came up over and over, with literally every single person I asked.  But that place didn’t show up in any of the local restaurant guides.  It doesn’t have a website.  You can’t make reservations.  And if you don’t know where you’re going around here, you won’t even find it.

Does that look like the home of one the best burgers on the planet?  Look to the right of the Exxon sign.  To the left of the gas pumps.  See that little building in the background with no signage whatsoever?  That’s Harold’s Diner, and it honestly deserves a place near or at the top of every true burger fanatic’s Must-Eat List.

Harold’s is a small diner car.  And I mean small.  There are a grand total of 21 seats, 13 of them on stools at the bar about 5 feet across from the kitchen.  If you’re skilled enough to even find Harold’s, there’s absolutely no guarantee that they’ll be open.  The hours are plainly posted on the door: Most Days 7:00-3:00.  That’s not just a funny sign.  It’s not uncommon to pull up to Harold’s at 10am on a random Tuesday and find the place dark and locked up tight for no reason other than that they didn’t feel like opening that day.

You fill out your own ticket on an order pad at Harold’s, checking the boxes of what you want.  You write your name at the bottom, hand it in, and wait for your name to be called. 

Chuck (the owner) and his staff run a tight ship.  If you write in a special order, you will be yelled at.  If you don’t answer when your name is called, you will be yelled at.  If you try to pay with a credit card, you will be yelled at on your way over to the ATM next door.  If you complain or cause a ruckus or have the audacity to ask for a drink refill, there’s a good chance you will be yelled at. 

They were standing 4 deep at the door when I got there today.  Someone held the door open too long, and all of the not-air-conditioning was apparently escaping, because Chuck yelled out, “Shut the damn door, woman!” at a prospective customer.  It’s that kind of place.  Now, it’s all in fun, and most diners are either already in on the joke or quickly adapt and play along.

But if you can find it, if they’re open, and if you don’t get drummed out of the place for being an idiot, Harold’s serves a ridiculously phenomenal burger.  Their regular patty is a monster.  The Big H is two of them, and it is heavy.

I got mine with bacon, mushrooms, and Swiss cheese.  Everything was flawless.  It was the kind of burger where you find yourself making little moaning and groaning noises with each mouthful.  Grilled to juicy perfection, just the right proportion of toppings, loads of melted cheesy goodness, and a kick-ass bun that held it together all the way down to the last bite.

When you finish a Big H, Chuck asks if you want a second one.  Rumor has it that if you polish off #2, he tears up your check.  I have to admit, I thought about it long and hard.  A free meal is nice, but what I really wanted was just to savor another one of these masterpieces.  I’ll have to prepare better next time.

Not only am I ready to call Harold’s Big H the Best Burger on Hilton Head Island, I’m here to tell you it gives my B.C.O.M.L. an honest-to-God run for its money.  If you come to Hilton Head, go ahead and buy a T-shirt from whatever tourist trap you want. 

But get the burger from Harold’s.

What will you do with those splendid stacks of meat and cheese?

Will you force yourself to gobble them up, even if you might end up throwing them up?

Will you give them away?

Throw them out?

William Hundley gives us some ideas.

Cheeseburger bookstand

Cheeseburger seat

Cheeseburger TV

Cheeseburger skate

Cheeseburger and chihuahua

Cheeseburger iron

Of course, I can easily think of other uses for cheeseburgers I can’t eat. But I’m interested to hear about what you would do. What would you?