The largest full-service family restaurant chain in the US (about 1,500 locations) has introduced their “‘Burger-Joint-Inspired’ Better Burgers,” which they tout as being “too good to eat on the run.”  There’s nothing particularly revolutionary about the five varieties being offered: Classic Cheeseburger, Double Cheeseburger, Bacon Cheddar Burger, Mushroom Swiss Burger, and the Western Burger.  What’s most unusual, however, is the honest candor with which the chain compares them to the “retired burgers” previously on the menu.

Denny’s own website, in detailing their old burgers, cites “an unnatural taste,” “tougher texture and significantly reduced juiciness,” and “lack of discernable cheese presence and mouthfeel.”  Again, these are their own burgers they’re talking about, not a competitor’s. They go on to describe lettuce that “wilts and turns black under heat” and margarine that “caused the buns to become soggy.”  Really, Denny’s?!?  THIS is how you’re going to lure me in to try your new menu item?!?  By making past menu items sound like failed science experiments???

Hey, I appreciate a good upgrade.  Telling me that the new burgers have a beef-to-bun ratio of 33-to-66-percent as opposed to the 25/75 of your old burgers sounds great.  I’ve been proven wrong before about a burger from a “breakfast place.”  And early reviews say that your new “Better Burgers” are exactly that.  But maybe that “lack of discernable cheese presence” stuff is just too much information.  If I know that those were the kinds of corners you were cutting before, how confident am I supposed to be now about strolling in and cracking open your new menu?

And then there’s this…

Just 8 days after Denny’s big burger announcement, Reno 911! actor Thomas Lennon tweeted that a ticket he had just purchased to singer/songwriter Morrissey’s L.A. concert included a coupon to try Denny’s new “Better Burger” for free after the December 10 show.  He included this picture:

The only problem?  Morrissey is a rabid vegetarian. Has been since he was 11.  Has both a song and an album entitled “Meat is Murder.”  Supposedly can’t be near the smell of meat without gagging and has walked off stage during concerts because of some fans cooking on a barbecue grill.  So how the hell did this carnivorous cross-promotion get approved? I wonder just how many of his fans will actually be taking Denny’s up on their offer of a free post-encore entree…

But maybe Morrissey could use a little bit of protein himself.  Just last week, the former Smiths frontman collapsed while performing on stage in England.  According to reports, he “was having a hard time breathing” and was rushed to a nearby hospital in an ambulance.

I’m no doctor, Mister Morrissey, but perhaps a big fat double cheeseburger just might do you some good.  I know where you can get a free one, birthday or not.

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Thankfully, I got a call from a friend looking for a good burger “on her side of town.”  After informing her that these were perhaps the best burgers on any side of any town, we met up.  No menu needed; I already knew exactly what I was getting.

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the Elvis Burger:

According to the Vortex’s wickedly witty menu, this half-pound hunk of burning love is “slathered with a King-sized helpin’ of smooth peanut butter, bacon, and fried bananas.”

My friend thought it was a joke.  You know, like it’s printed on the menu for a good laugh, but not really available. But when our tattooed waitress jotted it down without skipping a beat and asked how I wanted it cooked, my friend freaked out just a little bit.

“Wait a minute.  How many of those do you actually sell?!?”

Our waitress couldn’t really grasp why one would ask.  “A lot,” she shrugged.

My mouth was literally watering as I waited.  I’d been thinking about this burger since my first Double Coronary Burger.  After my 24-hour fullness had subsided, I set my sights on Elvis, the next-most-outrageous burger on the menu.  I’d been ready to get in touch with my inner Fat Elvis for months.  And now, it was mere minutes away.

It was absolutely beautiful when it arrived at the table.

But I only learned this later.  They keep it pretty dark in the Vortex anyway, but add their week-before-Halloween decorations and an overcast day, and it was like being in a cave.  If not for a camera with a flash, I’d still have no idea what the Elvis looked like.

But I know exactly what it tastes like. The first sensation is the rush of creamy peanut butter.  It floods your mouth with an oh-so-perfect salty sweetness (or is it sweet saltiness?).  The bacon and fried bananas instantly blend with the peanut butter as you chew, and I was struck with the thought: if the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll had his own personal chef making peanut-butter-banana-and-bacon sandwiches for him on command 24/7, why the hell did he need drugs?!? This was pure ecstasy and pretty damn close to an out-of-body experience as far as I was concerned.

And then, oh yeah, there’s the best burger in the city in there! It kind of crept on me and acted like a chaser to the PBB&B taste.  Two unspeakably tasty sandwiches in one.  It was so much better than I anticipated.  Outstanding bacon.  Kick-ass peanut butter.  And I don’t really care for bananas, but they totally worked here.  Hard to believe (let alone describe) how such seemingly out-of-place tastes fit so well together, but by the time I left the building, I was the one singing the Elvis Burger’s praises.

“Wise men say/only fools rush in…

“but I can’t help/falling in love with you.”

Thankyou.  Thankyouverymuch.

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Not for the light of wallet, either.  For the first 30 customers each day over the course of the 7-day promotion, the Windows 7 Whopper costs 777 yen, or about eight and a half bucks.  After the first 30 are gone, it’s about $17.  But that hasn’t stopped the masses from lining up to try one.

That’s video game blogger CheapyD.  He and his sidekick, CampingKev, can be seen on YouTube attacking the Windows 7 Whopper.  Here’s the link so you can watch the 5:00 video.  CheapyD describes the monster burger thusly: “It tastes like a Whopper.  But it has a cow attached to it.” He doesn’t finish, claiming, “It’s hard to recommend the Windows 7 burger.” CampingKev, though, knifes and forks his way through all 7 patties and exclaims, “I’m just glad it wasn’t Windows 95.”

CNN also got into the act, sending reporter Kyung Lah to Tokyo for a first-mouth account.  Here’s the 1:30-long video. She inhales the first bite and polishes off the last, but thanks to the magic of editing, you’ll never really know what happened to all those bites in between.

And this guy identifies himself as notevilspiderman.  His 8-minute YouTube video shows what happened when he went into his local Burger King somewhere in the US and asked the manager to whip one of these up for him.  He did, for $9.19 before tax, and notevilspiderman does the rest.  Despite describing the Windows 7 Whopper as being “hard to hold” and “like eating an elephant,” notevilspiderman plows through the entire thing, and gets a BK crown and free chocolate chip cookies as his reward.

As well as our hearty congratulations.  Well done, sir.

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Maybe that’s because their claim to fame is the hot rolls they serve when you’re seated.  Don’t get me wrong; they’re damn tasty rolls.  Over 129 million of them were baked last year.  But if the single best thing you’ve got going for your restaurant is the free pre-meal bread, that’s not a ringing endorsement for what’s actually on the menu.

But I have this friend, Joe.  Joe and I meet for lunch 2 or 3 times a year.  The first time, we met at O’Charley’s because it was geographically convenient to us both.  Now it’s our go-to place.

This last time Joe and I met, I realized that I’d never tried an O’Charley’s burger.  Word is that they do a pretty mean chili cheeseburger.  (But it wasn’t on the menu, so how good was it, really?)  I skipped the standard cheeseburger variations: Mushroom Swiss Bacon, Three-Cheese Bacon, a grilled turkey burger.  I also passed on their mini-burger platter, the Good Time Grillers.  (I swear I just don’t get this fake-slyder trend and can’t wait for it to run its course.)

Then I noticed the Firecracker Burger Wrap, obviously a holdout from the last big food fad, the wrap.  (“Of course it’s healthy!  It’s in a tortilla!”)  Here’s how O’Charley’s menu describes the Firecracker:

“A juicy all-beef patty covered with melted Monterey Jack cheese, then sliced and wrapped up burrito-style in a warm flour tortilla with lettuce, fresh Pico de Gallo, jalapenos, crispy onion tanglers, and zesty Cajun horseradish sauce.”

It was different enough to pique my interest, despite clearly being a way for the kitchen to unload ingredients already lying around.  (That strategy can lead to some real disasters, like this.)

When it arrived, Joe expressed order envy; always a good sign that you’ve chosen wisely.  And I have to say, it tasted awfully good.  The pico and the onion “tanglers” provided crunch and added what food nerds like to call “mouth feel.”  (Which, coincidentally, sounds like a move you’d try as a hormone-crazed teenager in the backseat on prom night.)  The horseradish and jalapenos brought some zing to the party- just enough heat to please, not enough to bite back.  And the burger itself, although having it sliced and rolled up amidst the other ingredients made it tough to tell for sure, was really very good.  It’s a juicy little sandwich.  If anything, perhaps a touch too juicy:

Not sure if that’s juice from the meat itself, or the melted cheese, or moisture sweating out of the pico, or the horseradish sauce, or all of the above, but the bottom of my tortilla was so soaked that it had sprung a full-blown leak way before I got to the last bite.  Like the way ice cream starts to drain out of a waffle cone on a hot day.  The equivalent of a soggy hamburger bun, I suppose.  Messy, yes.  But not a deal-breaker this time.

In short, the Firecracker Burger Wrap is something I’d definitely get again.  I’m not sure it lures me into an O’Charley’s all on its own… but that’s OK.  I’ve got another lunch with Joe in a few months.

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Anyone who has ever watched NASCAR knows that these guys are adept at pimping their sponsors, leading one to believe that they all really use the products whose logos are plastered on their race cars.  It’s easy to assume that Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is a diehard Bud man (at least when he was sponsored by them), that you just might bump into Jimmie Johnson picking out a new toilet seat at your neighborhood Lowe’s, or that Mark Martin isn’t just a stud on the track but also a stud in the bedroom thanks to his endorsement deal with Viagra.

Some sponsor-driver relationships seem like a stretch (does anyone really believe that Darrell Waltrip has ever opened a box of Tide laundry detergent?), but the Tony Stewart-Burger King connection felt honest.  I mean, look at the guy:

It’s easy to imagine Stewart hitting the drive-thru for a flame-broiled bacon double cheeseburger.  Or three.  His nickname is “Smoke.”  But hooking up to a lie detector and being grilled live on the Internet about whether or not you “love” your major corporate sponsor’s flagship product is a bold move.

Stewart, seated in a starkly-lit cop-show interrogation-room setting, faced a slew of questions submitted by fans on a variety of topics.  Each Q-and-A was accompanied by “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”-esque sound effects and camera moves, as the machine measured microscopic changes in Tony’s blood pressure, skin conductance, and breathing.  A dramatic thumbs-up or thumbs-down from polygraph examiner John Grogan indicated whether or not Stewart had answered truthfully.  Some questions were silly, some were insightful, and some were a little more personal than Tony clearly wanted.

Do you sing in the shower? Yes.

Have you read a book in the last two years? No.

Have you ever done a donut on public property? Yes.

Have you ever cried after losing a race? Yes.

All were honest answers, according to Grogan.  But Tony tried to fake out the machine a few times:

Have you ever gone commando under your firesuit? No.

Can you walk past a mirror without checking yourself out? Yes.

Do you ever notice hot women in the stands during a race? Not really.

Grogan accused Stewart of lying each time.  “He’s a better driver than he is a liar,” he deadpanned.  Stewart admitted, “All right, maybe I do (check out hot women in the stands).  Maybe during a caution.”

When asked about his preferred way of having a Whopper, Tony answered, “without pickles and onions.” True.  Then, the real moment of truth.

“Tony Stewart, do you love the Whopper?” “Yes, I love the Whopper.”

Grogan gave the thumbs-up, a confetti cannon went off, and two buxom models wearing checker-flagged jumpsuits and celebratory sashes presented Smoke with a Whopper of his own.

No big surprise, I suppose.  No one expected this to go any way other than the King’s.  But it was a clever piece of marketing that BK got a lot of mileage out of.  And I guess for a job like that, there’s nobody better than a guy who goes full-speed for several hundred miles every weekend.

The hour-long polygraph test is currently being re-broadcast at the top of each hour here.  BK says you’ll be able to call it up on demand soon.

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So it was with similar off-the-charts enthusiasm that I found a recipe for Smokehouse Burgers.  The goal: a big, beefy burger infused with hardwood smoke, like it came from your favorite BBQ joint.  To ensure tang and twang, the recipe called for adding BBQ sauce directly to the ground beef mixture instead of using it afterward as a topping.  And to mimic a true smokehouse’s dry rub technique, a mix of seasonings would be sprinkled over each burger before it hit the grill.

The ingredients were simple, like they are for all the best burgers.  Enough beef to make thick half-pound patties.  This recipe specified 85 percent lean beef.  Personally, I think the 80/20 blend provides better juiciness without being greasy, but since I knew I would be adding BBQ sauce, I went with the recommended leaner beef to guard against excessive mushiness.  I added my favorite sauce to the beef, 1 tablespoon per pound.

Next, the dry rub.  Nothing magical here- salt, pepper, onion powder, and garlic powder- dusted over the burgers on both sides.  I used the ratios laid out by the recipe, but was a little worried once I finished.  I guessed that the rub would provide that signature smokehouse “char,” but now I honestly felt like there was too much, maybe enough to be distracting to the finished burgers later.  We’d have to wait and see.

I built a hot fire and spread the coals over the right half of my grill, leaving a cooler zone to the left.  Soaked hickory wood chunks were piled on top of the glowing coals at the far end only.  Once the smoke started rolling, the burgers were positioned directly over the charcoal, but not the wood itself.  This would sear the burgers without letting too much smoke permeate the meat and leave the burgs tasting, according to the recipe, “like the inside of a chimney.”

After 4 minutes per side, I had a nice bit of crust on the burgers, and moved them to the cooler side of the grill.  They sat here for another 8 minutes or so, letting the grill’s internal heat cook the interior of the burgers instead of blasting them directly over the still-raging charcoal.

They looked excellent.  A nice pinkish hue to the beef that comes only from smoking, with those beautiful char marks.  The smoky smell was heavenly.  I topped the burgers with some Colby cheese and let it get good and melty under some foil for a minute while the meat rested.

The verdict?  Meh. I was shocked.  I expected to flip for this cheeseburger. While I did find the outer coating distracting and wondered if the amount of rub should be reduced, I also felt the amount of BBQ sauce should be increased.  It was there, for sure, but only a subtle aftertaste, not the juicy BBQ burst I had been hoping for.  American cheese might have helped, as the Colby was a creamy upgrade from straight cheddar, but still a somewhat dry cheese.  My wife loved her Smokehouse burger.  My 6-year-old daughter, cheeseburger connoisseur, plowed through an entire half-pounder.  I was left wondering how to tweak the recipe for more of a saucy explosion next time.

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It’s called the Craz-E burger and it better be very very good. That’s because after eating it your heart may explode out of your chest.

Don’t laugh, the donut burger is catching on. It’s been a big hit with the summer fair circuit and now even a minor league baseball team the “Gateway Grizzlies” are serving this thing at their concession stands. At this years Big E, organizers said visitors bought around 1,000 Craz-E burgers each day of the fair’s 17-day run. That’s a ridiculous amount of calories.

Feast your eyes on the Craz-E burger, one of the more sinful items made to order this year. It’s a burger that’s been smothered in cheese and slathered with bacon, and then sandwiched between two fried donuts.

Lets do the Craz-E Burger rundown:

Juicy beef patty – check!
Smothered in cheese – check!
Bacon – check!
DONUTS – CHECK!

Burgers are one of my favorite foods as it is, then you stuff it in between two donuts? I am all over this.

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The chain’s new design, codenamed “20/20,” will introduce upscale features like rotating red flame chandeliers, LCD menu screens, game kiosks for kids, free Wi-Fi, and loads of brick and stainless steel.  A prototype tested in a Houston suburb also included an outdoor patio and a waterfall.

If it seems like a far cry from your ordinary fast-food joint, that’s by design.  BK seems to be following the trend started by many of the emerging names in the fast-casual boom by mimicking their industrial-chic decor.  Check out the interior shots from Burger Jones in Minneapolis and Cheeseburger Bobby’s in Atlanta.  Look a little bit familiar?

Ron Paul, president of food consultant company Technomic Inc. cited Starbucks, Panera, and Chipotle as further examples.  “People in the fast-food category are recognizing they’ve been losing customers to the fast-casual player,” he said in an AP interview.  “What this sounds like is an attempt to get that dining-in business back by making it an attractive environment.”

But the makeover isn’t just a cosmetic one.  The 20/20 redesign also outfits BK’s kitchens with energy-efficient “flexible batch broilers,” which will allow the chain to serve extra-thick burgers, grilled chicken and fish sandwiches, even bone-in ribs!

About 60 stores already have the new look, with another 75 set to open by the end of 2010.  A full chainwide conversion will take some time, though, as franchisees will fork out $300,000 to $600,000 per restaurant for all that glitz and glamour.  But you have to spend money to make money, as the saying goes, and the restaurants that have already been revamped have seen sales climb by as much as 15%.  And stores that have been torn down and completely rebuilt from the ground up using the new design have seen their sales shoot up as much as 30%.

I guess it really is good to be the king.

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Fuddruckers basically invented the fast casual category.  Five Guys has turned it into a phenomenon.  Maybe the concept just works better for cheeseburgers than any other cuisine.  Hoity-toity, linen-napkin establishments offer burgers, but that just feels weird, right?  Like showing up to a black-tie dinner in ripped jeans and a Van Halen T-shirt.  And when you’re in the mood to really savor a damn fine burger, most fast food offerings fall disappointingly flat.  A good fast-casual burger is the closest thing there is to pulling one off your own backyard grill.  So there’s certainly something to be said for the Fuddruckers, the Five Guys, the Smashburgers, the Counters, and the Mooyahs of the world.

In the metro Atlanta area, there’s another name that’s quickly gaining buzz among burgermeisters:

Cheeseburger Bobby’s was started in 2007 in the booming metropolis of Hiram, Georgia, about 30 miles west of downtown.  Now there are 5 stores, with plans for more.  A lot more.  Brothers Bobby and Richard Stoll hope to have 50 locations up and running by the end of 2010.

Let me tell you about Cheeseburger Bobby.  He hangs out in strip malls.  He’s big on the industrial-loft look, with brick walls and stainless steel fixtures and huge, blown-up glossy photography.  He serves up a Jr. (single patty) or a Sr. (double patty), a brilliant up-selling strategy when you consider that no self-respecting carnivore can stand there and order something called a “Junior.” Bobby has a staff member whose job it is to walk around the tiny restaurant (at just 35 seats, it always look full) and offer Starlight Mints to people who have just found a table.  After you order, Bobby gives you a coaster that lights up when your burger is ready.

Bobby’s cheeseburgers come with American, Swiss, or cheddar.  Or try a Specialty Burger: usual suspects like Black & Bleu, Mushroom & Swiss, and Chili Cheese.  The burgers come with only those things in the name; a full topping bar is around the corner.  Nice selection there for fixin’ fanatics: tomatoes, pickles, relish, 3 kinds of lettuce, 2 kinds of onions, 2 kinds of peppers.  And there are pumps of a half-dozen wet condiments: ketchup, mustard, mayo, A.1., ranch, and hot sauce.  Grab your tray and create your own masterpiece.

I got the Bacon Cheeseburger (a Sr.  Duh.)  and added lettuce and red onions.  Made for a nice photo… and a tasty lunch.  Bobby does a good burger. Like many fast casual chains, they only cook their burgs well done, and although I’m not a well done guy, this was a definite step up from fast food.

Granted, it was a touch more expensive than fast food, too.  My burger, fries, and drink cost 9 bucks.  But then again, there are free drink refills… and Bobby does a superb frozen custard, something you can’t find just anywhere.

If the 404 area code is a long-distance call for you, you may have to wait a while before Cheeseburger Bobby’s makes it to your neck of the woods.  And maybe they never will.  It’s a crowded landscape out there for the gourmet burger boutique.  But I submit to you that Bobby and his fast-casual brethren are doing it right.  These are cheeseburgers worth seeking out and worthy of your hard-earned cash.  Don’t be afraid to withhold your next contribution to the big-business war chests of the clown, the king, and the pigtailed girl.  Support a small business; eat a big-tasting burger.

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It seems the crew of this Canadian Forces CH-146 Griffon helicopter (photo by Randy Nickle) made a little pit stop during a recent flight.  The chopper was on its way from Edmonton to Thunder Bay, a trip of over 1,200 miles (or the equivalent of Milwaukee to Miami), when the crew landed in Kenora, Ontario (about two-thirds of the way to their destination) for fuel.  The hungry flyboys tried to grab some chow at the airport, but came up empty-handed.

Operation Cheeseburger was officially on. After gassing up the big bird, they set her down again in a vacant baseball field nearby, much to the surprise of locals.  “It’s a huge double-door… helicopter, which you don’t see landing in the middle of town every day,” Kenora resident Laura Madison said.

The pilot strolled across the street to an A&W restaurant, where Michelle Patterson was manning her post at the cash register.  “He said he was here to pick up some supper before taking off again.  He joked about wanting to come through the drive-thru, but he couldn’t fit.”

According to a CBC News interview with server Stacey Hawes, the pilot ordered four of the chain’s Papa Burgers with cheese (pictured above).  He also requested two additional burgers on the side, along with fries and root beer for the rest of the crew, who waited in the twin-engine aircraft across the street.  “The whole thing took no more than eight minutes, then he was gone,” Patterson reported.  Todd Madison snapped this pic capturing the pilot as he successfully completed his munchie mission.

But of course, it can’t be just a cute little story with a happy ending.  Word is that a full-on investigation into the “incident” has been launched.  According to a weekend email statement, “The matter is under investigation to determine what happened.  As such, I can’t say much more until all the facts are gathered.”  That’s from Dan Dugas, the director of communications for the country’s Minister of Defence.  (Yes, that’s how they spell “defense” up there.  Crazy Canucks.)

But Dugas did go on to explain that concern for public safety was not a factor in the investigation.  “First of all, at no time during the landing or takeoff was there a danger to the public,” he wrote in the email.  “The Forces thank the local police for securing the sports field for the helicopter’s landing.”

Personally, this story will help me sleep better at night.  If the Canadians will bring in military aircraft and ground support for a simple cheeseburger run at A&W, just imagine the firepower they’d come with if a foreign power ever dared to go after a truly high-value burger target like In-N-Out.

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