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» Sex and Your Cheeseburger
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Sex and Your Cheeseburger

By • Jun 10th, 2009 • Category: Burger Blog

How do you eat a cheeseburger?

If you’re female, gorgeous, and starving, you sit on a brownstone stoop with your legs spread just so, hike up your dress, and eat your cheeseburger like you’d just grown super flexible muscles in your mouth.

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Some would it sexy.

Others will tell you you look disturbingly like a boa.

And then there are those, like, me, who would only want to have what your having.

Yes, I love cheeseburgers; and the fact that it’s possible to look sexy wolfing them down makes me LOVE them even more. But I’d also love to know how any female alive can snort a cheeseburger like that and not look like a blimp.

How, pray tell, can one go through all those calories in one sitting, look ravishing even with all that dripping, and afterwards, redirect the extra poundage to one’s bra?

When Padma Lakshmi was interviewed about that time she made love to the Western bacon hamburger (let’s not mince ground beef here; she wasn’t eating that burger, she was having sex with it), she answered, “It’s a beautiful love song to food. I think eating in itself is the act of great sensuality, so all you have to do is point the camera in the right direction.”

Okay, Padma. I get that eating is sexy; and that girls who can work up an appetite are hot. But seriously, does anyone really believe you devour this beautiful monster of a cheeseburger regularly? In the real world, you would be a huge construction guy sitting on a sidewalk somewhere, gorging on this giant cheeseburger while sauce drips over your overalls.

But no, I don’t hate you. I understand you. When you’re young, female, and sexy, you should promptly have sexual relations with your meal.

So, I’m going out now to get me a Western Bacon Cheeseburger. And then, I’ll sit on a stoop, hike up my clingy sundress all the way to mid-thigh, and cram this huge calorific delight into my educated maw.

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